"Just call me Neezie for short"

"Just call me Neezie for short". That was my joke with my mom this morning when she was calling me Ebineezer, as in Scrooge.
I'll admit, I deserve that. Whether it be because there isn't any snow, or life is crazy at work, or I'm broke, I'm just having a heck of a time feeling all Christmas-y.But in my defense, I don't feel all Scroogish all of the time. Just every now and then. When no one is looking, I'm getting all teary eyed because I feel so lucky to be loved at this time of year. I know that I am super blessed because I have family and friends to spend this holiday with. Not everyone can say that. Then I saw this clip-this is how I wish everyone could feel, not only on Christmas but everyday!
Merry Christms to you all! I hope that God blesses you over and over and over again!

Warm Fuzzies

When I was a freshman in college, I had a roommate that made these yarn balls with fringe. She called them "warm fuzzies". The idea was something she learned as a camp counselor (a very talented one at that). You gave them to people when they did something that made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Or, when you wanted them to know you were thinking good thoughts of them and for them, making them feel all warm and fuzzy.
Well, ever since then I have begun to recognize that when I get this funny little feeling inside from a happy moment, an amazing realization, when I am overwhelmed with emotion, what I feel is a warm fuzzy.
This week I have the honor of placing three new foster children in loving, giving, Christian homes. It's GREAT! I am so thankful, mostly humbled, that God would use me to play such a vital role in the lives of these children. Wow! It stops me in my tracks when I really try to grasp it all.
So, when I hung up with the referring workers, fully realizing that this was going to be a reality, not just a hope, I got that funny little feeling inside. A warm fuzzy.
I am so thankful for the warm fuzzy moments and for the amazing life events that lead up to them.

Another Year Older

It happened. This week I officially became one year older. For those of you who know me, you might be aware that I do not like my birthday. I'm not sure why, I just don't. So the day usually starts with me giving myself a pep talk. It goes something like this, "Angel, be Thankful. God has give you another year to serve Him, enjoy your family and friends, and accomplish great things in His name". Now, I believe all of that I really, really do. But somewhere in the midst of it all, I get hung up on the fact that when I was younger and making mental plans of how I wanted my life to look at certain ages, I had hoped to be somewhere different in the stages of life . This year seemed much harder than most.

To make the day even more frustrating, I wasn't able to take the day off of work so I spent my day running around doing things for others. That would have been ok, but there was no time, not even a minute, for me. It was 9pm before I even got home.

A few years back I felt the same way on my birthday. To combat the frustration I felt with another birthday I challenged myself. The challenge was kind of complex and not worth repeating, but I can say the results were more than I had anticipated. So this year I am hoping to do the same thing. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all of it. I'm still dealing with the shock of being further immersed in the grown up world and not feeling one iota more like a grown up. I'm still trying to comprehend how, where, and when my life will take shape. I am just hoping that while all of that settles within me, I will continue to challenge myself and most importantly, recognize that God is doing something worthy in my life. I may not feel it right now or see it, but it must be important because He has given me another year to see it through.

Happy Birthday to me!

Jeremiah 29:11‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 14‘I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’

Oh, he's beautiful!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Josh Groban. His new CD, Awake, has quickly become on of my favorites. I think that I listen to it at least once a day.
Today I got tickets to see Josh Groban in concert. I can hardly wait until February!

GO BLUE!

Any suggestions?

This past weekend was a wonderful one. I spent time with my grandparents, got to visit with my aunt, uncles, and cousins, and spent time with friends. I am so blessed. On Sunday, I returned home after my 4 day trip of visiting and unloaded my car, only to turn around and head back out the door. Phew....it was a busy time.
I think as a direct result of all of that, plus a few other factors (made a few large decisions, drinking way too much caffeine), I feel as if I have situational ADHD today. My mind is moving so fast that it is a struggle to keep up with it-for the most part. So, here is where I would love your suggestions...How can I even begin to be productive when I can't even focus for 1 min on a single thought?

Another suggestion request: What word would you use for this situation? MSNBC news has two headlines that are just baffling me today: Darfur violence spreads to Chad and
U.S. kids getting hardened arteries. How sad that in our country our children are overfed in such an unhealthy manner that they are suffering from a health problem that most middle age adults don't have to deal with. And while this is a problem in the here and now of the USA, children in Africa are probably starving while watching their lives being ripped apart by violence.

Madison Lei

Here she is! Madison Lei Hanson-7 lbs. 3 oz, 18 1/2'' long. Isn't she just beautiful!!
Proud Mommy and Daddy-Sara Miller and Jon Hanson.

She's said it all!

"Dear Mr. President"(feat. Indigo Girls) by Pink

Dear Mr. PresidentCome take a walk with me

Let's pretend we're just two people andYou're not better than me

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep

What do you feel when you look in the mirror

Are you proudHow do you sleep while the rest of us cry

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye

How do you walk with your head held high

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me whyDear Mr. President

Were you a lonely boy

Are you a lonely boy

Are you a lonely boy

How can you sayNo child is left behind

We're not dumb and we're not blind

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye

How do you walk with your head held high

Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work

Minimum wage with a baby on the way

Let me tell you bout hard work

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you bout hard work

Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

OhHow do you sleep at night

How do you walk with your head held high

Dear Mr. PresidentYou'd never take a walk with me

Would you

My Sigma Sisters

When my baby brother was born, I remember being so excited because I wanted a little sister. I thought for sure that he was going to be a girl and that I would have someone to share that deep bond, that only sisters have, with. Well, God had another idea. He gave me two brothers. Please don't get me wrong-I love them dearly and I wouldn't trade either one of them for any sister. They are the greatest and I love them more than I can put in to words.

Well God has really blessed me. I feel very fortunate in that even though I don't have any biological sisters, He has given me many sisters. I have my Christian sisters, my soon to be sister in law, my friends who are so close that we often are mistaken for sisters, and my Sigma Sisters. I have a special place in my heart for all of them. Today I was reminded how lucky I am to have all of them, each of them, and how God fulfills His promise of "Ask and you shall receive". I asked for sisters and I got them-lots and lots of them.

Sigma Beta is a soroity that is only found on the campus of Olivet College. I was never able to pledge there, but three years ago they made me a honorary member. I would love to do my "30 days", but since that is not possible, I am just so thankful that they welcomed me in to a world where sisterhood, womanhood, strength, joy, love, and friendship is honored and practiced. Despite not being able to pledge with any of them, these women hold a deep love of mine. I can't describe-there aren't words for it- except to say-they are my sisters and I love them.

Today, one of my sisters had her first baby. It was amazing how we all sat by our phones and computers waiting for the latest update (isn't technology amazing). It is amazing how we each are there to offer her and her fiance support, love, happiness, and to celebrate with them. Despite graduating, moving, growing up, we all came together to wait and celebrate her daughter's entrance in to the world. It was if her baby was the first one any Sigma had ever had. Funny thing is-she's not and this will repeat each time a Sigma has a baby. From Sigmas who have long since left college life to those who are just embarking on their journey through Sigma we all came together.

So, while I don't have any biological sisters, I do have many other kinds of sisters. For this I am forever thankful! EB Love Always!

Welcome Madison Lei!

Gasp! I have (gulp) grey hair!

You might have started laughing when you read the title of this blog. But, let me tell you-I'm not laughing about this. I'm a little freaked out!
I am the girl who keeps tweezers with her always. You just never know when you might have perfect lighting. So today I was in the bathroom at work (marvelous light in there by the way). I was fixing my hair when I noticed a gray strand. I got my tweezers and decided to pull it out. First of all-I need to share this-pulling out gray hair is stressful for me. I have to pull just that one hair-no more. Then there is the added fact that my mom has always told me that when you pull out a gray hair-5 grow in its place and it's bad luck! After I have convinced myself that 5 more won't grow back and that I don't believe in having bad luck, I pull. Wah lah! It's gone. But as I double check that I pulled the whole thing (this sounds disturbing to me) I see not one more, but like 10! There's a whole section of my scalp that is growing gray hair! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! What the heck?? I'm only 26! How can I have this many already??!!
I don't have time this weekend (yeah for OC Homecoming, Sigmas and Ads, MSU vs UofM, and lots and lots of fun) but you can bet your bootie that I'm going to be buying myself some hair dye very ,very soon!

"Despite what my daddy says....I really do love the outfit from my Auntie Angel!"

Look at that face! Isn't she darling!!!

My Dream Job

I have been reviewing and looking for job openings that I might be interested in. Like most things that I don't like to do-I figure that if I have to job hunt, I'm going to do it and get it over with. So...I started hunting. So far-only two that seem interesting and feasible enough for me to apply to. I'll keep you posted on the outcome.
But, when looking for a new job, I started to ask myself-what do I REALLY want to do? Let me re-phrase that-what do I REALLY want to do that would be a realistic option at this time? At this point, there is still no good answer to that. But, if I could do anything for a living, what would be at the top of my list? I would be a somebody, anybody, coffee fetching, extension cord winding, kleenex picker upper for ABC's Extreme Home Makeover.

I LOVE this show! It's amazing. I have never seen an episode where I don't end up crying. It doesn't hurt that several people who work on the show are sooooo HOOOOOOOOT! My #1 favorite-Eduardo Xol. It doesn't hurt that you always have famous people stopping by either.

So-if you know how to get me connected with this show-send the info my way. It would be my dream to work there!

I really missed my friends!

Ok, they are not real people. That's ok with me. Last night. Grey's Anatomy Season 3 Premiere. Laughed. Cried. LOVED IT! So glad they are back.

I love this song!

"Who Am I"
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my nameWould care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning StarWould choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I amBut because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I amI am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in meI am Yours
Whom shall I fearWhom shall I fear'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

The conflict of my interests

Well, the reality is that I am seriously poor. I live on my own again. It's a fabulous feeling to have my own space, privacy, etc...This should not be confused with a dislike of my former roomy Brityn. I love her to pieces. She's my Sigma sister now...she's been my friend for years, and everyday I sit in my apartment alone, I start to miss her. But, there is something to be said for having your own space.

Because I have my own space, I also have my very own full rent payment. Now, mind you, this is not a bad payment at all. But because I work for a non-profit, rent is a big deal now. So, in an attempt to be financially responsible, I sit down and make a budget.
What did I learn:
1) Ignorance is bliss. When you don't know how broke you are, you don't care.
2)Ummmm...there is no money for emergencies. Life is not emergency free.
3) I'm still not married to the man of my dreams that will pay for my existence on this earth so that I can literally afford to stay working for non profits for the rest of my life. Where the heck is he?! Can someone please tell him to hurry up!

This is where the conflict of my interests comes in. I need a new job. Not want, not hope for, but NEED! It's the only way I can live financially. But, I LOVE my job. I would like to stay here a little bit longer. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. This is ministry, this is working with people, this is what I love to do. I like coming to work, I don't mind the chaos and stress (well, most days), I love the families, the kids, my co- workers-how can I trade all of that in for a bigger paycheck? My interest in my job does not support my interest to live and be able to support myself.

God can do anything. With Him, all things are possible. So, I am hoping that He can move mountains in this situation. And, of course, if He does, but asks me to bring a shovel-I may come along hesitantly, but I will go.

She's getting so big!

When we know a baby-we tend to be a little bias. But, I would guess that even if you don't know Sweet Adeline, you would say that she is one of the cutest babies in the world! I got to hold her, cuddle her, and rock her for a little bit last week. She's growing so fast!

It's football season, I mean Fall!

Most people are a little bummed that summer has come to an end. Not me! I am thrilled that it is time for FOOTBALL, tailgates, jeans and sweatshirts, coffee all day long, colorful leaves, apple cider, and cool nights. There is something about this time of year that just gets me excited. I love almost everything about it. Can you tell that fall is my favorite season?!

5 years ago yesterday

I'm not always a very patriotic person. I'm definetely not a huge fan of our President and his administration. But, all the same, yesterday was a painful reminder of the tragic terror attack that our country suffered five years ago.

I always found it strange that both of my parents could recount the details of the day that they learned that JFK Jr. had been shot. Like several other events in their younger years, they had the details down like it happened yesterday. They recount smells, sounds, where they were, the reactions of others around them. I also have days in history that stand out like that. The day the Challenger Space Shuttle exploded ( I was in kindergarten and we were watching because a teacher was going in to space), the day the Columbine shootings occured (my freshman year in college, my soap was interupted for the breaking news), and September 11, 2001. That days sticks out the most in my memory. I had skipped class that morning and because of that I was watching the Today show when they shot the planes hitting the 2nd tower, live. I remember calling my mom immediately because my Aunt and Uncle live only a mile or so away from where the Twin Towers stood. I remember who I was with, what things smelled like, the weather, everything...

This was the first time that I can remember feeling truly scared. Everyone was afraid that the entire country was under attack. Not knowing what to do, or really where to go, I went to my work study at the college. There my boss would not let me or some of my friends who worked there, watch TV. He said that we could if we wanted but he didn't think that we needed to see the images they were showing. At the time I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Knowing now that there were scenes of men and women dropping out of the windows to their death, some holding hands, all screaming in fear, I am glad that I did not see that live. The pictures are enough.

Five years later, our country still lives in constant fear. Or, at least our goverment tells us we should. The "War on Terror" has been waging long enough and still we are targets of other countries. We are informed that we are not safe from terrorism anywhere! The way we travel, use our phones, computers, even apply for citizenship has taken on a new form. Freedom is no longer for the people, but controlled by our government's reactions to people who form the "Axis of Evil". Assama Bin Laden is still out there, Al Quida still plots against us, our men and women are still being called to fight in the dessert.

Five years later the whole event seems surreal. As memorial events took place yesterday, moments of silence occured, and pictures of the devastation that occured flashed across every news channel, I was stunned to see it all again. It felt as if it had happend somewhere else, to another country even. I think that I feel that way because the whole event is so sad and scary that I am overwhelmed by the reality-the amount of grief that our country still feels.

I had hoped that five years from yesterday our country would be in a better place. That those who lost loved ones could find some peace in the fact that we were all safe from an event like that every occuring again. I had hoped...and I am still am hoping.

What the Doctor Said, My 5 Week Challenge, and How I hope this time it works!

Last Friday I went to see my doctor. I knew that I was going to be in some kind of trouble. He had requested some blood work from me a week prior and I just had this sinking feeling that the results weren't going to be good. Always trust your gut-this time when I did, it helped me be prepared for a verbal lashing (ok so it wasn't that cruel). Apparently my cholestorol is waaaaaay toooo high, he is afraid of my overall health, and ended on a high note-I have increased my risk for a heart attack or stroke in my 40's. Considering my family health history, these were risks before my cholesterol began to resemle that of an unhealthy, 40 year old male. He also informed me that he had reached his last solution for me. He no longer knew what to do about my weight, high cholesterol, and potential increase in blood pressure. My metabollic syndrome has made me a medicaly mystery of sorts to him and now his only recommendation was a form of Bariatric Surgery.

NO! I AM NOT WILLING TO RE-ROUTE MY INTESTINES AT THIS TIME!

Here is where the 5 week Challenge has begun. My friend Heather listened patiently to me as a I expressed my fear, frustration, and depression over all of this. I had tried just about everything and still had not made too much positive progress. So until the weekend of October 7th, I am writing down everything I eat, drink, increasing my exercise, and any other info that would pertain to my health and weight loss. Heather is going to do this too. Once a week we will get together and compare notebooks. This will help make it competetive, hold us accountable, and we have a goal to work towards-Homecoming. The gathering of all gatherings for us Sigmas (outside of Pledging Events). I'll keep you updated on how this go. For those of you who know me-I just put myself in a position for more accoutability. Feel free to jump my case if you need to!

While all of this is taking place-I keep in the forefront of my mind Hebrews 12:11
"No discipline seems pleasent at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harves of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Baby Fever!

On almost any given day, if you ask me if I want children, I will say: "Yes, but not right now. They are always better when they are someone else's". And then....I get baby fever.
With the new pictures of Beautiful Baby Adeline coming my way, I realize that if I had a choice right now, I would LOVE to have a family. So, here it is. I'm sharing the picture of the little girl that makes the sound of my biological clock seem a lot louder these days. In your free time, throw up a prayer for me. Ask God to send me the perfect man to love me, marry me, and give me a little person of my own!
Enjoy!!!

Welcome Baby Girl!

A year ago, this time exactly, we were visiting my friend Charity. Charity and her husband James had decided to get pregnant using invitro fertilization. We were there, in Muskegon, for moral support. Charity was on "bed rest" and so as friends we gathered together for food, movies, and laughing. We were all very excited with the anticipation of what could be if this worked.

The first attempt was unsuccessful. I think each of us felt our hearts break for our friends. If anyone deserved to be parents-it was James and Charity. We all prayed hard, encouraged our friends, and held our breath (just a little) for the second attempt. It was successful and last Tuesday, my friends became parents for the first time. They are going to be wonderful! I am so proud of them and their new addition....Welcome Adeline Kay! We all love you so much already!

Home, Sweet Home

I'm home from Belize. It was a fabulous vacation! Coming back was bittersweet. I sure miss vacation, but it's nice to return to life here in America. As soon as I get my pictures uploaded, I will post them to share. They are great!

Hello from the Beautiful Land of Belize

For $4 and hour I have access to the internet. But, don't think that I'll be doing this everyday. It's too beautiful here for me to want to look at a computer-even for just an hour. Besides, that would be too much like being home and I'm on VACATION!
We've been here for two full days now. Our day of travel was LOOOOOONG! Very long! After a good night's sleep we got up to enjoy being at "Grandma's". I wish that all of you had a grandma that lived someplace like this. Today we had fresh pineapple, coke from a bottle (the glass kind), and sat by the sea and watched as the waves broke on the pier-enjoying the cool breeze. I have read two books already and I take a nap whenever the heat gets to be a bit much for me! It's lovely here! I miss home, my friends, and all that comes with living in the States. For now though, I'll enjoy this paradise that I'm in.

I'm fleeing the country-you better Belize it!

Yup, that's right, I'm fleeing the country. Not in the "I committed a crime and I'm running from the law" sort of way, but the "I need a vacation, get me the heck out of here!" kind of way. We leave on Tuesday the 11th for Belize and will be back on the 24th. I am planning on having a wonderful time with the whole family and I will think of you all as I lay by the sea with a cold drink in my hand, enjoying the Carribbean breeze!

The Kindness of Strangers

Close to a year ago I was contacted by a girl, Caitlin, who wanted to donate items to our foster care program as part of a girl scout badge that she was earning. Our agency had placed a request for "in kind" donations in our parent organizations newsletter. Caitlin had seen the ad and decided she wanted to help. Close to a year ago when I spoke with her, I had no idea how huge her generousity was going to be.

After speaking with Caitlin the first time, I was under the impression that she was going to help collect school supplies for the kids. Well, a year later, she called and told me that she had all of the things gathered and she would like to drop them off.

Caitlin came to our office on Wednesday with two cars full of goodies for the children placed in our program. Caitlin provided a "bed in a bag", an age appropriate bible, and a note for each child. For the younger ones, she received a "Build a Bear" for each of them. I still get choked up when I think of how generous her gifts are and how they will make one of our kids feel.

Caitlin was 16 when she started this project. She held a garage sale, conducted a pop can drive, and requested donations from department stores and bookstores. I am amazed at her determination to gather the items we requested just because she knew that foster children often have very few, brand new, things they can call their own.

As soon as she left, we took time to read the letter she wrote to the kids. It is only a paragraph long and I couldn't get through it because I was so overwhelmed by it. She told each child they were loved and they were special-these are words they all need to hear. When we put in the request to the newsletter a year ago, it was with hope that we might get a "few" of the things we asked for. NEVER, in my mind, did I think that we would get all of the things we asked for and to top that-we got one of everything for each child.

Caitlin was a stranger to our program. She had no affiliation with our agency or any of us. She felt led to do something for us and not only did she do it, she went above and beyond our request. I am humbled and unbelievabley thankful for the kindness of someone who was, but is no longer, a stranger to us.

Matthew 7:7-"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. "

Opinions of the world

I love to watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I love to watch it so much that I have started divo'ing it (like Tivo only not Tivo). I love his honest, humerous approach to the issues in society today. I like that he has no fear of expressing his stance on issues-even when it means calling out the politicians that are supposed to be "untouchable". I also like to look at him-he's very good looking!
However, watching the Daily Show more regularly has made me more aware of my feelings about political issues. I won't get in to what I believe is right vs. what I believe is wrong. I don't want to subject you to my time on a soapbox. But, what I will say is this...I believe in allowing all individuals to be seen as human. I don't care what crime they committed, who they choose to marry (gay vs. straight), what border they have crossed to live and work here, what disease they have and why they have it...they are still human. By seeing them as human, it does not mean that we have to agree with their choices or actions, but it does mean that we need to respect the differences between all of us and allow each person the freedom to live.

With that being said-I will also add this. The issue of immigrants in the United States is a very sensitive one for me. I have family members who were not legal when they entered this country. I have a grandmother and an uncle who are here with greencards, and I am a first generation American on my mom's side of the family. Knowing this about me-why do people feel the need to send lists of senators who voted to allow immigrants social security benefits or copies of speeches in which immigrants in California are being compared to a wildfire that will destroy the country?! Sharing that kind of information with people you know might be sensitve to it, is just plain IGNORANT!

Frienship...what a beautiful thing!

Last Thursday I had the chance to see a friend that I haven't seen in over two years (yes, Sarah, I'm talking about you). It was great, fabulous, fantastic, wonderful! It was so easy to pick up like the time has never passed. We obviously have changed and grown and individuals, but that only made the time togehter more fun. There was LOTS to catch up on. We stayed at the restaraunt for over two hours. It was so much fun!
The following day I emailed out a prayer request to some of my friends. My friend, and soroity sister, Sarah was the first to email back. Her email to me was filled with encouragement and suppport. She told me that when I couldn't be strong, I had my sisters (and friends) to lean on. At that moment, I knew that it would be ok for me to draw my strength from the wonderful friends that God has placed around me (and of course from Him too). She then forwarded my request on to everyone she knows that prays.
Friday night I went to the Kenny Chesney concert with friends-great time and lots of laughs. Just what I needed after such a hard week at work.
I am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends. If I mentioned all of them right now-this blog entry would be a million pages long. When someone asks me who my best friend is...I can never name just one person. They are all my best friends and for different reasons. I guess I just wanted to brag...I LOVE my friends and I am so blessed to have so many of them and for them to be so wonderful!

The rhythm of Change

Every now and then I take a pause in life to feel the changes going on around me. Sometimes they feel insignificant, small, and barely worth taking notice of. Sometimes they feel huge, overpowering, confusing, and more than I can handle. When the changes feel this big, I panic just a bit-at first. After panicking, I brace myself and settle in to the rhythm and the changes and life. There isn't much I can do about the changes so I just hold on for the ride. Life is easier when you go with it vs. Fighting it.
Right now there are a lot of changes in my life. Nothing earth shattering, but enough for me to adjust my position in this world. Friends are moving, family members are getting married, co workers are leaving for new jobs, relationships are ending, babies will be born soon, and I am in the midst of it all. These changes remind of how God is constantly working in our lives. It is amazing to me that He blesses us with so much. Even when the changes hurt or scare me-He is bigger than all of it. He allows the good, He can turn the bad in to a good, and He is always there creating the rhythm of life.
"for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I love this guy!

Maybe you are afraid that I'm talking about that ex of mine. Well, this time, it's not him that I'm loving! It's this little man-Andrew. He's my friend Amanda's son. He's two, he's full of personality, he's comic relief, and he's the best at giving a hug and kiss when you need it most. I spent part of the weekend up in Stanton with Amanda and Andrew (Larry, Gerb, and Brityn too). Andrew's company was just what the doctor ordered! I can't imagine how it feels to be a parent-I love this little guy so much that sometimes I think my heart will burst!

The Long Weekend!

This is the view from my parent's deck-Ahhhhhh! The upcoming, much needed, highly aniticipated, long weekend. I can hardly wait! I don't have much in the way of plans. But, that it what makes this long weekend seem so wonderful. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous-81 degrees and sunny. It is Michigan though so I'm not banking too much on the forecast staying like that. However, even just an hour or two of weather like that and I'll be out in the sun, napping, and hoping to bronze up my white, winterized skin. I need some down time. I need some time to just enjoy what is going on in my life right now. While not all of it is good, and I'm still feeling pretty icky, I still want some down time to feel it. Does that make sense?
In addition to lots of down time, I also am looking forward to our family bbq on Sunday. At least one day out of the Memorial day weekend my dad's family comes over. We grill, laugh, go out on the boat, and just enjoy spending time with each other. It will be nice to have some family time.
Whatever your plans are for the long weekend, I hope you enjoy them. I'm sure that we are each deserving in the time in our own ways!

The Icky Feeling in the Pit of my Stomach

I did it! I decided to let my ex break my heart. It happened last Saturday. "How?" you are asking. Well, that's a long story. Three years worth of a story to be exact. In the end, it's happening. Despite what I might try to tell myself and others, I did mean to see him, I did mean to spend time with him, I didn't mean to have the conversation that we had. What it boils down to is that he's getting married-this summer no less. He's not happy, and I don't believe it's her fault. But, He doesn't love her like he should and to some extent it seemed that he was looking to me to give him that out. I didn't. So now I'm convincing myself that I have to let him go and that it's ok to feel like shit, it's ok to grieve my loss of him, it's ok to cry, and it's ok to feel hurt and angry. For those of you who don't know me-I don't allow myself to cry or have negative feelings so this is quite the challenge for me. The funny part of it all is that it feels so surreal-like I'm watching it happen to someone else.
To add to the icky feeling that was already in my stomach-I got some really bad news about a friend today. He has a really bad habit and that makes me scared for him, scared of him, sad, and hateful towards him all in one instance. All of this has affirmed my belief that sometimes when it rains, it does pour. As a Christian, I know that I need to pray and I'm doing that. At this time I just ask that God be there , right next to me. I don't want him to fix any of this (the way that I'm feeling) or make it any easier. I just want him to be there. All the while I am doubting myself and my faith just a little. However, He is still right there beside me. I just need to feel it.

The Ex that could be my demise.

Do you have an ex? An ex ,that when you see him, you still feel butterflies in your tummy? An ex that has a presence that will force your heart to skip a beat or your breath to get caught in your throat? I do. He's going to be the end of me. I don't know if he realizes that he will be the end of me, but he just might. I am being overly dramatic...I hope.
Our relationship has always been "a lot" weird. I found out during Christmas that he's with someone new. Rather than get upset, cry, or even feel jealous, I just ignored it. I pretended that it didn't matter all that much because I was over him. Almost six months later, I'm learning that I'm not over him. It's really very frustrating.
I saw him last weekend. We played some weird flirting game with each other-never actually speaking. I got home only to find that he had sent me two messages. Ever since then, my head and my heart, have been a mess! He didn't really say much on the messages, but just hearing his voice say "It's me" threw me off. He doesn't get to leave a message that says "It's me" anymore does he?
In a world where there are instant cures for almost everything, I wish someone could find an instant cure for a heartache. I know that if I would just let myself feel it, my heart is going to break. And then, it will be the end of me. I will recover. However, my recovery might just make it even harder for someone else to love me. Because, when I recover, I will do so bitterly. Not because I want to, but because that is what happens when someone breaks your heart. And as I type this blog-Etta James' "At Last" is playing on my yahoo launchcast station. Oh Lordy-if he could be mine "at last" none of this would be an issue.

My romanticized world....well, part of it.

Last night was the two hour season finale to Grey's Anatomy. There I was in my living room,with friends who love the show as much as I do, tears in my eyes, and feeling a little lost because I will not be able to watch a new episode until next fall. For as strange as it may sound, I feel a little empty inside.
I feel a little empty because these characters-yes, all of them-are a part of my romanticized world. I count on them to help me escape my reality (in a legal way) for at least one hour a week. They are the people that I want to gossip with, gossip about, work with, hang out with, counsel, and observe. When I think about going back to school to be a nurse-a decision I made LONG before Grey's Anatomy aired on TV-I think about working at Seatle Grace Hospital. I know that it isn't a real place and these aren't real people, but they are that intriguing. What amazing writers this show has -they have created a place and people that viewers feel they really know. It's like the book you just can't put down, the song you can't stop listening to. I love it!

Kudos to Grey's Anatomy

Just a short, random thought...Thank you to Grey's Anatomy for casting a volumtuous, Hispanic woman as George's new love interest! Yeah-finally some representation on TV.

It's time for a Siesta

On days like today, I wish that we had siestas during the work day here in the States. Wouldn't that be wonderful?! It's sunny (gorgeous actually) and 69 degrees outside and the only way I get to enjoy it is by looking out of the windows in my office. I guess I'm lucky that I have windows, huh?
If we had siestas, I could go sit out on our porch, prop up my feet, enjoy a pina colada flavored italian ice (no alcholol at work, sometimes a major booooo), and watch all of the drug dealers and prostitutes that frequent our neighborhood. Even if it were only for 45 min, vs the 2 hrs that my family in Belize enjoys on a daily basis. Am I living in the wrong country?

"Good things come to those who wait"

Not being a very patient person, this is concept that is a little hard for me to live by. However, I am learning that it is at least worth giving a shot. I'm a social worker in children's foster care. Much of what my co-workers and I do on a day to day basis depends on others and their actions. Life in our office, in our ministry, and with our kids and families is in constant motion. I don't always have the luxery of being patient. But, I am convinced that I should not always rule being patient in some situations out so quickly.

Yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with thanks to God. For months we have been struggling with what to do as far as placements were concerned for some of our kids. After many months of diligently seeking the best options, praying, praying, and more praying several doors opened that would allow several children to find healthy, permanent homes...to top that-the homes and the kids are almost perfect matches.

It's my personal opinion that "good" isn't always good enough. I am always amazed that I am trusted with the lives of these children. How did I end up here? Don't get me wrong, I love what I do-I am thankful that God has placed me here. It doesn't change that every morning I am have to stop and realize what I am about to do for the day-protect lives of children who should never have been faced with the reality that they live. Their future, current existance, and security is trusted to my hands (and my co-workers who are all sooooo WONDERFUL). With that being said, how can I ever find "good" to be acceptable? So, perfect it has to be. "Almost perfect" is a great place to start.....