Boys.

My blog has been full of....well, silence. It has been a challenging past few months and I don't expect anything too different for the next couple. Not trying to sound pessimistic or like I lack hope, just being realistic. For this reason I've avoided the blog. Today I realized something pretty cool though that I wanted to share.

I've been at work for the last two days. During this time I've had only the boys-a 12 year old and a 20 month old. Talk about going from 0 to 60 in no time flat. Personally, I'm not a mom. At work, I experience "parenting" at every age level. What a blessing that I can try this on for size before it's my time to have my own babies. Life would be so much easier for many if they had been able to practice parenting before actually doing it.

So, as I spent time with my 12 year old as he got ready for school, I gave a big Thank You to God. I have been blessed to have an amazing grandfather, super uncles, the most wonderful dad, and the best brothers in the world. Because of this and the example they have set, I am better equiped to help this boy grow in to a young man. It's not a job for the faint of heart or those who may have a weak stomach :p. Plus, I have an awesome God and Savior to seek out for examples and advice.

It's not always easy, I don't always enjoy it, and I am constantly asking myself if I'm doing the right thing, making the right decision, if I'm nurturing enough and gentle enough without comprimising his sense of being a guy. However, what a beautiful privilege-to be able to contribute to life in such a cool way.

When you love hard.

Today marks month six since my dad passed on. It's hard to believe and yet time has brought a sense of acceptance (very minor, but still there) and disbelief too. I have found that the new season, the sunshine, and warmer weather has helped. Getting out of the house and involved in enjoying the many gifts God chooses to share with us is definetely helpful.

To add salt to my wounds, I received some very difficult news this weekend. I am not able to say much due to the confidentiality that I need to maintain per work policy, but a kid that I was a house parent to was in a car accident a couple of days ago. His injuries and the circumstances surrounding his treatment resemble the experience we had with dad after his accident.

I find it strange that I am experiencing this again. I am questioning the universe and all that God has planned; his purpose for each of us. How is it that I will endure this not once in my life, but twice and just a handful of months apart?

God has a purpose, a time, a season for everything. I am praying for a complete healing and yet find my faith is somewhat weak in this area. I've talked to God about it and asked Him to forgive me for it. I know He understands and loves me despite my struggle. Despite my feelings and emotions, I trust His purpose and timing.

Through all of this I have learned quite a few things about myself. One of these things being that I love hard. I love completely, fully, and do my best to love as Christ would want me to. The cost of loving hard is that you risk losing big. However, it is worth the risk.

A super fun week full of sports, friends, and the city of Detroit!

"Welcome to Mommyhood"!

In January I went back to my job as a house parent at the VFW National Home for Children.  It was a hard decision but, on most days, I'm very glad that I decided to return.  I am working in a new house and have become the proud "houseparent" to four children ranging in age from 16 to 1. Two boys and two girls.  Yeah. It's gets nuts and by the end of the week I feel nuts. I thought about it a little more on my drive home and decided it might be post worthy :p.  

Life as a mommy is a mystery to those of us who have not have the privilege of birthing our own children.  Very few get the chance to take a stab at it (No I'm not implying that it's a violent job. Although there are days when I feel like a stab in the arm might be a nice distraction from the bickering, carpooling, and crying baby) before we are actually legally and biologically responsible for what we might produce.  Not to mention, be paid for it.  That's just one of the many things that makes this job so interesting.  

I usually work 40 hours in three days.  Tuesday afternoons-evenings, Wednesday morning until Thursday night.  I like that schedule.  It gives me a chance to have a long weekend at home with my family, do things I enjoy socially, go to school, and be with my new work family too.  But, by the time I am driving home on Thursday night, I'm whooped.  My eyes have glazed over, my body feels limp, and I'm pretty sure I look like a hot mess, but can't prove it since there has not been a single free second in the prior 12 hours for me to take a look in the mirror.  Yikes!

Today was a day to sum it all up.  Enough happened in this one day that I'm pretty sure it was the culmination of the last three months in this position.  

I was up at 6am.  Early, but not so bright.  I didn't get to bed until close to 1.  The night before we had gone to watch one of the kids cheer at a district basketball game, run to GameStop so another one could trade in a game for a new one, attend a banquet after the game, and then get home for American Idol, a family favorite.  By the time everyone was in bed, I needed some time to wind down.  I now completely understand why my parents wanted to tuck us in so early when we were younger. It's the only time during the day when you can be alone with your own thoughts.  That is, if your brain isn't too tired to conjure any up.

The baby was up not long after me.  He woke up after hitting his head on the crib. Ouch.  I got him some food while encouraging the girls to get moving so they wouldn't miss their bus.  Just as that whirlwind settled down, another one began.  Round two of the wake-ups.  Time to get the other kid up and off to school.  I should know what this process entails because I did it for 12 years when I was in school.  Being on the parent end of it is completely different.  I ask myself a million times: did they get their meds, are their clothes appropriate, warm enough, etc., who's lunch is still on the counter, have I eaten breakfast yet, where's the baby?! It's too comical.  

The last kid is out the door by 7:45am, the baby is usually ready for a nap or another meal, and I get laundry started, clean up the house for the team meeting, bake muffins (from scratch I might add!) for the meeting, do the dishes, and get myself dressed and cleaned up.  The baby goes to nursery, the meeting drones on longer than usual, I have to pee but can't leave because they need my thoughts on allowing one of my kids to raise a hog for 4-H fair, and I'm pretty sure my stomach is going to eat itself because I'm so flippin hungry.  I still can't remember, did I eat breakfast this morning?

After the meeting it's off to Sam's to get groceries, run a few other errands, and then back to the nursery to get the baby.  Something happens when he goes there.  He is always crabby when we pick him up!  So he whines and cries and then starts to scream as I put him down so that I can unload the groceries.  

For those of you who have kids, you might just be nodding your head, laughing at my ignorance, or smiling coyly at the shock I feel when I realize how hard being a mommy is.  And, these aren't even my kids, I'm getting paid and I get to go home. 

Many more things happened between 2pm when I got home with the baby and the groceries and 8pm when I left for my house.  I'm sure you are getting the jist of it and maybe even hoping I'll stop making a short story so long. So here it is: the highlight of today would have to be the baby throwing up on my clothes because he was coughing so hard or crying every time one of us decided to put him down (teething is a b!&#*). Or maybe it was the argument with my Jr. high boy about why you need to wear clean clothes more than once every three or four days.  Or it could have been the fun game of cards we all played together before having a nice dinner as a family...all 8 of us.  Yep. I'm going with the last one.  

No matter how tired I am, no matter how dazed and out of it I feel, the fun family time together is when I realize that my exhaustion stems from me giving this my best effort.  And, while my best effort may not always be up to the standards of an everyday super-mom, it is giving the best I have to four children who, for several reasons, aren't able to live with their own families. Even when I'm covered in baby throw up and yammering about laundry while nobody is listening to me (despite the number of kids standing in front of me), I feel incredibly blessed.   In one friend's words to me the other day, "Welcome to mommy-hood!"  It's a rough place, but I kinda like it here :).    

Where does the time go?

At the risk of writing a real downer blog, I'm going to share my thoughts from the past week.
Over the last week I have missed my dad in a way that almost paralyzed me. On the 21st of Jan I realized that it had been 6 months since I had talked to my dad. 6 MONTHS! How in the world can that time fly by and yet feel like yesterday all at once? Where did it all go?

My dad's birthday is on Feb. 1st. It will be the last of "firsts" without him- for a few months at least. Everyday is a day of "firsts" without him, but this is the last official milestone day in a long string of holidays since Thanksgiving. We have survived each and every one of them and we will make it through this one too. However, none of the other days were special just because of him like his birthday is....

Life is funny sometimes. In the midst of my sadness I can still see God and His love for me and my family. I can see and feel the many blessings that come our way. I can make plans for tomorrow even though I have learned that it's not a guarantee that I'll have a tomorrow. I can still hope and have faith while I'm feeling angry and sad. Life hands all of us reasons to understand the sweet and the sour of it all.

I'm going to miss my dad for the rest of my days. And, some of those days are going to be harder than others. Grief has brought its own set of rules to my life. At times I manage to break them and fly under the radar and other times grief demands that I play by the rules. On the days that I must play by the rules, I'm learning that fighting them is more exhausting than obeying them.

Miss you dad!

History in the making: Obama!

Tomorrow will be one of the greatest days in American history; an African American will be sworn in as president. Fortunately I have been raised in a family where I cannot fathom questioning this man's ability to lead simply based on his color or ethnic background. I know this is not the truth for many people in this country and so I am even more proud to be part of such an amazing day.

It is challenging to wrap my mind around how far we have come, as a society, since the days of slavery and battles for civil rights (which, to this day, are still being fought for due to the need for them to be). It has been 46 years since Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I have a dream" speech, 55 years since Brown vs. the Board of Education, 144 years since the 13th amendment was ratified and slavery was legally ended. Tomorrow, one of the most powerful offices in the world will be given to a man who would not have even been able to vote if he had been born over 100 years ago.

NBC news featured a story on their evening news that told of the many people who were traveling to DC for the inauguration tomorrow. Included in this story was a 100 year old, black man. He cried as he told of his thankfulness to God that he was able to live to see a black president in the White House. I became choked up and found myself realizing what significant meaning this has for those who remember a much more segregated United States of America.

I wish (sometimes so bad that it hurts) that my dad would be alive to see this. I know he's watching from Heaven (where he is probably celebrating with the many other souls who's lives were dedicated to bringing this day to a reality) and that makes me glad. He would have been thrilled to vote for Obama and talk with us about all of this. I love my family for raising me to be color blind and to able to judge a man by his character rather than his color. While I may not bring the same type of history as some to the table tomorrow, I will be celebrating none the less!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Airplanes and Birds and Miracles...Oh My!

Sometimes it just takes the craziest combination of circumstances to turn an ordinary situation in to a disaster. Today there was the craziest combination of circumstances that could have easily turned out to be a huge disaster, but it wasn't. I believe that God intervened and showed the world a miracle! What a beautiful end to such a frightening story. Check it out for yourself if you haven't already done so.

N.Y. jet crash called 'miracle on the Hudson'

Officials say all of the 155 passengers and crew members are safe

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28678669/?GT1=43001

Just what I needed to hear.

12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I made it to church with mom. It felt good to walk in our beautiful sanctuary. I found a little pew off to the side where I could sit alone and I felt my heart quiet down. Then Pastor Jack gave a sermon that felt as if it were intended just for me. He used the verse from above and spoke about vital Christian living. I want to be there...living a life as a stronger Christian.

I have been making an effort, in keeping with my New Year's resolution, to be kinder to myself and others. This has a LOT to do with my relationship with Christ-well, mostly all to do with this relationship. It's crucial to be kinder if I am going to live a vital Christian life. Because I'm human, and a dynamic one at that (aren't we all?), it's not always easy to do this. I catch myself, sometimes mid-sentence/thought, in hindsight, and even in my body language representing the opposite of how I would like to be. It's frustrating and yet I appreciate that change and obedience to God are not going to be easy.

Each day I hope to take a step forward. Whether that step is big or small won't matter to me. So long as I am walking in compassion, gentleness, patience and towards Christ I will be ok.

Beautiful by Shawn McDonald

During my quiet time this morning I was listening to this song. It says so much of what my heart feels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I look into the stars
Pondering how far away they are
How You hold them in Your hands
And still You know this man
You know my inner most being, oh
Even better than I know, than I know myself
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child

What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I, what am I

As I look off into the distance
Watching the sun roll on by
Beautiful colors all around me, oh
Painted all over the sky
The same hands that created all of this
They created you and I
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God

And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I
That You might die, that I might live
What am I, what am I, what am I, what am I

What am I
What am I
What am I
What am I
What am I

aaaahhh....2009

Where has the time gone? The last six months of my life have been a blur for the most part and before I fully realized it, I was knocking on the door of 2009.  I am still not sure if I was ready to be let in, but this is one of those things I can't control.  

Since I have to live in a new year, I figured it was ok to adapt appropriately and do the best I can to get comfortable here.  

There are a few difficult things with welcoming a new year. Most challenging for me is realizing all of the things I didn't fulfill (remember last year's resolutions?).  This year that was topped by the simple fact that time is moving on.  While life is continuing, friends and family are moving forward, my life has become time that is identified by grief, healing, and a strong desire to remain as close to my dad's last moment with us here on earth.  

There are many beautiful things that come with a new year too! God is full of amazing blessings. While my family endured a tremendous loss with my dad's accident and his passing, God never left us.  That was made clear day after day.  I am thankful for a year full of God's grace, His favor, His forgiveness and His love.  I am looking forward to growing in my faith, being blessed with an opportunity to continue  working on being more Christ-like, and the many amazing blessings God will share with me this year.  

I thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to make a resolution this year.  Finally, after much contemplation, I decided that I did.  I resolve to find happiness in life.  This will come through many efforts and avenues, but life is too short to have regrets, to not enjoy, and to spend time waiting...

Happy New Year!  May it be a blessed one~ full of love and happiness for each of us!