The rhythm of Change

Every now and then I take a pause in life to feel the changes going on around me. Sometimes they feel insignificant, small, and barely worth taking notice of. Sometimes they feel huge, overpowering, confusing, and more than I can handle. When the changes feel this big, I panic just a bit-at first. After panicking, I brace myself and settle in to the rhythm and the changes and life. There isn't much I can do about the changes so I just hold on for the ride. Life is easier when you go with it vs. Fighting it.
Right now there are a lot of changes in my life. Nothing earth shattering, but enough for me to adjust my position in this world. Friends are moving, family members are getting married, co workers are leaving for new jobs, relationships are ending, babies will be born soon, and I am in the midst of it all. These changes remind of how God is constantly working in our lives. It is amazing to me that He blesses us with so much. Even when the changes hurt or scare me-He is bigger than all of it. He allows the good, He can turn the bad in to a good, and He is always there creating the rhythm of life.
"for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I love this guy!

Maybe you are afraid that I'm talking about that ex of mine. Well, this time, it's not him that I'm loving! It's this little man-Andrew. He's my friend Amanda's son. He's two, he's full of personality, he's comic relief, and he's the best at giving a hug and kiss when you need it most. I spent part of the weekend up in Stanton with Amanda and Andrew (Larry, Gerb, and Brityn too). Andrew's company was just what the doctor ordered! I can't imagine how it feels to be a parent-I love this little guy so much that sometimes I think my heart will burst!

The Long Weekend!

This is the view from my parent's deck-Ahhhhhh! The upcoming, much needed, highly aniticipated, long weekend. I can hardly wait! I don't have much in the way of plans. But, that it what makes this long weekend seem so wonderful. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous-81 degrees and sunny. It is Michigan though so I'm not banking too much on the forecast staying like that. However, even just an hour or two of weather like that and I'll be out in the sun, napping, and hoping to bronze up my white, winterized skin. I need some down time. I need some time to just enjoy what is going on in my life right now. While not all of it is good, and I'm still feeling pretty icky, I still want some down time to feel it. Does that make sense?
In addition to lots of down time, I also am looking forward to our family bbq on Sunday. At least one day out of the Memorial day weekend my dad's family comes over. We grill, laugh, go out on the boat, and just enjoy spending time with each other. It will be nice to have some family time.
Whatever your plans are for the long weekend, I hope you enjoy them. I'm sure that we are each deserving in the time in our own ways!

The Icky Feeling in the Pit of my Stomach

I did it! I decided to let my ex break my heart. It happened last Saturday. "How?" you are asking. Well, that's a long story. Three years worth of a story to be exact. In the end, it's happening. Despite what I might try to tell myself and others, I did mean to see him, I did mean to spend time with him, I didn't mean to have the conversation that we had. What it boils down to is that he's getting married-this summer no less. He's not happy, and I don't believe it's her fault. But, He doesn't love her like he should and to some extent it seemed that he was looking to me to give him that out. I didn't. So now I'm convincing myself that I have to let him go and that it's ok to feel like shit, it's ok to grieve my loss of him, it's ok to cry, and it's ok to feel hurt and angry. For those of you who don't know me-I don't allow myself to cry or have negative feelings so this is quite the challenge for me. The funny part of it all is that it feels so surreal-like I'm watching it happen to someone else.
To add to the icky feeling that was already in my stomach-I got some really bad news about a friend today. He has a really bad habit and that makes me scared for him, scared of him, sad, and hateful towards him all in one instance. All of this has affirmed my belief that sometimes when it rains, it does pour. As a Christian, I know that I need to pray and I'm doing that. At this time I just ask that God be there , right next to me. I don't want him to fix any of this (the way that I'm feeling) or make it any easier. I just want him to be there. All the while I am doubting myself and my faith just a little. However, He is still right there beside me. I just need to feel it.

The Ex that could be my demise.

Do you have an ex? An ex ,that when you see him, you still feel butterflies in your tummy? An ex that has a presence that will force your heart to skip a beat or your breath to get caught in your throat? I do. He's going to be the end of me. I don't know if he realizes that he will be the end of me, but he just might. I am being overly dramatic...I hope.
Our relationship has always been "a lot" weird. I found out during Christmas that he's with someone new. Rather than get upset, cry, or even feel jealous, I just ignored it. I pretended that it didn't matter all that much because I was over him. Almost six months later, I'm learning that I'm not over him. It's really very frustrating.
I saw him last weekend. We played some weird flirting game with each other-never actually speaking. I got home only to find that he had sent me two messages. Ever since then, my head and my heart, have been a mess! He didn't really say much on the messages, but just hearing his voice say "It's me" threw me off. He doesn't get to leave a message that says "It's me" anymore does he?
In a world where there are instant cures for almost everything, I wish someone could find an instant cure for a heartache. I know that if I would just let myself feel it, my heart is going to break. And then, it will be the end of me. I will recover. However, my recovery might just make it even harder for someone else to love me. Because, when I recover, I will do so bitterly. Not because I want to, but because that is what happens when someone breaks your heart. And as I type this blog-Etta James' "At Last" is playing on my yahoo launchcast station. Oh Lordy-if he could be mine "at last" none of this would be an issue.

My romanticized world....well, part of it.

Last night was the two hour season finale to Grey's Anatomy. There I was in my living room,with friends who love the show as much as I do, tears in my eyes, and feeling a little lost because I will not be able to watch a new episode until next fall. For as strange as it may sound, I feel a little empty inside.
I feel a little empty because these characters-yes, all of them-are a part of my romanticized world. I count on them to help me escape my reality (in a legal way) for at least one hour a week. They are the people that I want to gossip with, gossip about, work with, hang out with, counsel, and observe. When I think about going back to school to be a nurse-a decision I made LONG before Grey's Anatomy aired on TV-I think about working at Seatle Grace Hospital. I know that it isn't a real place and these aren't real people, but they are that intriguing. What amazing writers this show has -they have created a place and people that viewers feel they really know. It's like the book you just can't put down, the song you can't stop listening to. I love it!

Kudos to Grey's Anatomy

Just a short, random thought...Thank you to Grey's Anatomy for casting a volumtuous, Hispanic woman as George's new love interest! Yeah-finally some representation on TV.